My Annual SPOOF of Oscar Night!

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  • Jason Travis
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    #142452

             In the tradition of Inside
    Oscar
    by Damien Bona and Mason Wiley, I give you my annual spoof of Oscar
    night. I grew up reading their play by play commentaries of the races, often
    adding humor in their analysis. I decided to keep their tradition going by
    penning these yearly.   Enjoy, and let me know if you want to see others-
    I think I can dig them up. My apologies for the format- this year posting on
    here as been very difficult and I lost a lot of earlier editing because of it.

    ____________________________________________ 

               The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences posted in
    their online newsletter that they were not going to be presenting technical
    honors onstage, but would post them online later after the ceremony to
    “save time”. They also were doing away with Ellen hosting. â€¨ 
       

              “Thank
    God”, grumbled Anne Thompson. “We didn’t need to see that horrid song
    and dance number.” â€¨     

            The academy also was deciding to do
    away with presenting categories in order, so this time the lead acting honors
    would be presented first. The academy’s response: “Because we felt like
    it.” â€¨â€¨

     

    RED CARPET

          Meryl Streep radiantly told E! Reporters of two upcoming films
    she was starring in. “The first is a movie where I play a Detective on the hunt
    for stolen jewelry, and I have to dress up as a man. It’s called Wigs &
    Makeup Tricks
    .” The interviewer smiled politely.

           
    “And what’s the other film?”

         “Black
    Coffee, No Sugar
    . It’s one of those indie films, where the camera just
    records me eating breakfast and reading the morning paper. In the middle, I
    might get up and take a piss- it’s all up to me.”

    “Who’s directing that one?”

    “Oh it doesn’t have a
    director. It’s a new experiment the producers are doing, where I make my own
    decisions.” 

          The
    interview ended as Streep was then herded over to a screaming fan base with a
    sign saying STREEPERS UNITE. As the goddess approached the worshippers, one
    woman (who looked about 20) screamed and started yelling, “I can’t take the
    madness!!! You have to win bitch, you have to win!” The autograph session
    ceased immediately.

          Sandra
    Bullock caused commotion by arriving on the red carpet in her Gravity space
    suit. She looked, according to Entertainment Weekly, “Really,
    really stupid.” Once the 84-degree weather was evident, Bullock was seen taking
    off her outfit and revealing her real number- a tight midnight black flowing
    gown with a cleavage sharp neckline by Gucci.

    “Never underestimate Sandra-
    she’s still the hottest woman at the party.” The LA Times commented.

         
     Jared Leto was causing a stir by arriving in complete drag. “There’s a
    reason he was letting his hair grow out”, quipped The Huffington
    Post. 
    Though screaming fans fawned over Leto’s interesting choice for
    a purple and pink striped dress, the Fashion Police got even the next day when
    Joan Rivers said: “I understand he’s paying homage to his character in Dallas
    Buyers Club
    , but in the words of RuPaul: Sashay Away!”

           
    Jennifer Lawrence was stunning in a new gown by Dior, but the 23 year-old star
    was not in a good mood. When a reporter was finally able to get her attention,
    the American Hustle star snapped.

          “I don’t
    feel like talking right now, okay? Fuck off!” Confused by her outburst, there
    suddenly was a commotion- as Jack Nicholson made his way through the crowd.

         “Jack-
    how’s it going? Do you know what that was all about?” An E! Interviewer asked.

         “Jen’s
    just a bit pissed because I told her she’s too old for me.” Then Nicholson
    flicked his shades up and kept walking.

           
    Tom O’Neil from Goldderby was having a field day with Lupita
    Nyong’o. “It’s crazy- just last month I had you pegged in last place to win,
    and now I say you could take this. What do you think love?”
          “I just hope people
    notice that I got a hot booty!” Nyong’o giggled and playfully started grinding
    against O’Neil, who tactfully signaled for E! Cameras to grab
    the young ingénue fast.

     

    BEST ACTOR    

           
      Since Jennifer Lawrence was in a bratty mood because of her Red Carpet
    incident, she refused to present. Show producers convinced Kate Winslet to
    handle the duties very last minute (and with an extra gift basket). As
    the Titanic star made her way to the podium, hoots and cheers
    were heard in the upper seats- many of whom were of course hoping her presence
    meant DiCaprio would prevail. 

          Matthew
    McConaughey sat looking cocky and vibrant, chewing gum and sweating. Holly
    Hunter, sitting smack next to him, look disgusted. It was later revealed at a
    party that Hunter confessed, “it’s true, he doesn’t believe in deodorant.”

          The
    winner was indeed Leonardo DiCaprio, sporting Versace glasses and arising from
    his seat to a strong standing ovation. He double high fived Jonah Hill, and
    then confidently made his way to the stage. The orchestra was playing dramatic
    music, so DiCaprio took the signal this was his moment to one up Adrien
    Brody. 

            At
    the podium, he grabbed Kate Winslet forcefully and promptly began tongue
    kissing her. The audience seemed uncomfortable with the exchange, and so did Winslet-
    who lifted the golden statue above Leo’s head and smashed it on his skull.
    DiCaprio fell to the floor, knocked unconscious. Then there was lots of
    screaming and “cut to commercial!” Leo fans were the most disappointed because
    even though their beloved hero had finally won the big one, he wasn’t able to
    give a speech.

     

    BEST ACTRESS

          Daniel
    Day-Lewis was dressed up in coattails and seemed more old fashioned then
    normal. The golden envelope in his hand, he assured all 5 nominated ladies that
    “you’re one of the strongest lineups I’ve seen and I want to hug all of you.”
    Amy Adams gushed, Sandra Bullock yawned, Judi Dench rolled her eyes, Cate
    Blanchett beamed- and Meryl Streep snorted…something up her nose, the cameras
    were quick to cut.

          The winner was the inevitable Cate Blanchett, who arose from her
    seat much like Queen Elizabeth I would have, and when Adams tried to come up
    and hug her- Blanchett flung her hand towards the 5-time loser’s face,
    indicating she wanted a kiss on her ring. Adams obliged, to many people’s
    amusement.

           
    Once at the microphone, Blanchett held her Academy Award to the audience and
    said, “I am married…to Oscar.” This got applause, many nodding that this was a
    reference to her Elizabeth character.

         
     “You’re forgiven now Gwyneth.” Laughter and hoots. The camera quickly cut
    to Gwyneth Paltrow, who seemed lost. Blanchett continued by stating “I am well
    aware that this year is indeed a strong field for Best Actress. And Sandra,
    sweetheart- I have to be honest. I think it’s great you finally got nominated
    for a notable performance.”

    The reaction from the audience
    indicated that Blanchett was steering vastly close to Bitch Territory, but
    Sandra Bullock nodded graciously. A quick cut to Judi Dench, however, showcased
    the British dame mouthing, “Preach it girl.” Music chimed in as the goddess
    exited the stage.

       
     “Regardless of Blanchett’s overtly smug confidence and weird thank you,
    this was a win for the decades”- noted Variety.

     

    BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

         Anne
    Hathaway waltzed lightly to the podium, and before handling Best Supporting
    Actor- eloquently told the audience “It’s still coming true.” No one got the
    reference, as indicated by Brad Pitt’s deadpan stare.

           
     The winner was an upset- Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips. The
    roar of approval and a standing ovation caused an unsettled Abdi to shake when
    he took his award and faced the crowd. Then, with little hesitation he said:
    “Jared Leto? Look at me. I’m the Winner now.” This earned the biggest laugh of
    the night and as the audience applauded the newly crowned Best Supporting Actor
    winner, Leto himself looked even more ridiculous in his drag getup.

     

    BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

           
    Oprah Winfrey agreed that even though she wasn’t a nominee, she would gladly
    present. Trying to be cute (since everyone demanded she do it), the biggest
    name in television comically came on stage and said “And You get an Oscar! And
    You! And You! But Hopefully Not YOU Honey!” Oprah pointed right at Jennifer
    Lawrence, who turned a quick shade of embarrassed pink but kept laughing with
    everyone else.

           The
    winner was another upset- Julia Roberts. Streep was the first to bus the now
    2-time Academy Award winning actress, and Roberts was beside herself as she
    made her way to the stage.

           
      
    “I just told George Clooney to
    eat my fish!” Nervous laughter and some groans meant Roberts was going to have
    to make it quick. “I guess I want to thank members of the academy who actually
    bothered watching our film…” Claps from crowd.        
        “And thanks to my fellow nominees, Lupita, Sally, June and Oprah.
    What a great year.” Commotion was made that Roberts mentioned the wrong last
    name, ignoring Jennifer Lawrence- but Oprah never corrected her and instead the
    orchestra came on.

     

    DIRECTOR

           Tom
    Hanks and Emma Thompson came on stage to present Best Director, to thunderous
    applause.

           “Are they clapping for us because we aren’t nominated or because
    we’re actually amazing actors?” Tom Hanks asked Emma.

         “Well I
    know I’m amazing and deserved to be nominated, but I can’t say the same for you
    dear.” This got laughter but Hanks looked stone pissed. Later it was revealed
    from a stagehand that Thompson ad-libbed.

         “She was
    supposed to say ‘Oh we’re both amazing but sadly not nominated’, but you know
    Emma- once she’s had a few drinks, there’s no stopping her.”

           The
    winner was David O. Russell. An outcry from both bloggers and audience (mainly
    in the Gravity section) arose as Russell stood cockily in front of
    his cast and then headed towards stage. He finally was an Oscar winner, and he
    finally was able to have a clean image from Hollywood.

          “Thank
    you, I-“ suddenly commotion backstage arose and two men wearing black suits and
    holding badges came out.

          “Mr.
    Russell you’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent…” Audible ‘oh
    my God’ gasps circulated as Russell was handcuffed in front of millions
    watching.

          “God Damn
    it!!! Let me at least finish my acceptance speech, for Christ’s sake!” But it
    was too late. Producers cut to commercial and Russell was hauled off stage
    (without his Oscar no less)- while none of his cast bothered to attempt
    helping. Russell was put in jail and later released on a very hefty bail-
    pending criminal assault charges. It was the first time in Academy Awards
    history an arrest was made at the ceremony.

     

    BEST PICTURE

          Ben
    Affleck waltzed on stage to present the Best Picture Oscar, and seemed very
    giggly (or high) as he read off the nine nominees. The camera panned to Steve
    McQueen and camp, who all seemed on critical edge as the envelope was opened.

          The
    winner was American Hustle. As audible gasps of joy (and not so
    much) maneuvered through the theater, producers Megan Ellison and Jonathan
    Gordon were the first to the microphone.

         “Wow,
    thank you so much! Thank you to the members of the academy…” suddenly there was
    commotion backstage, and before the producers could continue speaking, Academy
    President Cheryl Boone Isaacs walked up to the podium.

          “We
    regret to inform you that we have just made an unanimous decision to
    rescind American Hustle’s victory for the Best Picture winner of
    2013 because we donnot feel ethically, that it represents last year’s amazing
    achievements in cinema… Oh, and I hated it- thank you!” More audible gasps, and
    a shot of the cast looking very bewildered- though Lawrence was looking like
    she was trying to retain laughter.

          “At this
    time, we will wait as the Oscar voters continue their quest and name a
    winner for Best Picture one month from now.” As Isaacs exited the stage, Megan
    Ellison was crying – and before the camera cut you could see her mouth the
    words ‘what do I do with this?’ and pointing to her trophy.

     

    AFTERMATH

         Reporters
    were already in a flurry over the drastic decision for the academy’s board of
    governor’s to revoke American Hustle’s best picture winner only
    minutes after being declared victorious.

         “Were they
    all huddle backstage waiting for this to happen? Foul play in every sense of
    the word!” – protested Kenneth Turan from the LA Times.

          Isaacs
    was doing her professional best not to answer too many questions, though many
    were agreeing she was using her power and influence to alter voters.

         
     Said Tom O’Neil: “She just made this same speech a month ago when the
    Best Song nomination for Alone Yet Not Alone was revoked. But
    this is unforgivable, and embarrassing. Hopefully Russell was in a holding cell
    by now.”

           
    Even more frustrating- the Best Picture race was still undecided. And now
    voters had a month to make the decision for which movie was going to win
    “Second Place”.

           
    Sasha Stone, from AwardsDaily.com, officially wrote her final Tweet
    claiming she was retiring her site- and moving to England, because “they voted
    for the right motion picture this year, and that’s where I belong.”

          Since the
    drama in the best picture race and Russell’s onstage was overshadowing the
    acting victories, no one was talking about much about the acting winners, save
    maybe Leonardo DiCaprio.

          Kate
    Winslet was quick to snap at reporters accusing her of assault. “The man was in
    me more than the Aliens movie. I am not that type of woman!” As she left
    infuriated, some random reporter couldn’t resist yelling “By the way, who are
    you wearing tonight?!”

     

    Good luck with your
    predictions everyone!

    Follow Me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/jasonmovieguy
    13K Subscribers, 29 Million Views

    FYC: Derbyite of the Year, 2017

    Reply
    24Emmy
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    #142454

    At the podium, he grabbed Kate Winslet forcefully and promptly began tongue kissing her. The audience seemed uncomfortable with the exchange, and so did Winslet- who lifted the golden statue above Leo’s head and smashed it on his skull. DiCaprio fell to the floor, knocked unconscious. Then there was lots of screaming and “cut to commercial!” Leo fans were the most disappointed because even though their beloved hero had finally won the big one, he wasn’t able to give a speech.

    Now that’s a moment nobody would forget.

    ReplyCopy URL
    Junk
    Member
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    #142455

    Hilarious as always Jason! Now I’m hoping Tom Hanks and Emma Thopmson actually present a category because of this.

    ReplyCopy URL
    Beau S.
    Member
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    #142456

    Great as always Jason.

    God, the thought of Russell getting arrested on the Oscar stage is just too funny.

    “I am the winner now”

    And Kate knocking Leo unconscious with the Oscar…[img]http://25.media.tumblr.com/8470e05279d9c47e763c1ae1f4bd0cc8/tumblr_mvvfz9ONyk1sojjw6o1_500.gif[/img]

    ReplyCopy URL
    24Emmy
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    #142457

    Jason, what did David O. Russell do?

    ReplyCopy URL
    Jason Travis
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    #142458

    Jason, what did David O. Russell do?

    [img]http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/sns-zap-ent-david-russell-groping,0,1079020.story[/img]

    This happened about a year ago- so I added it for an unexpected tragic occurrence lol.  

    Follow Me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/jasonmovieguy
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    Tye-Grr
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    #142459

    “I am the winner now” KILLED me, haha. Someone please make sure Abdi slips that into his speech in the event that he wins. 

    ReplyCopy URL
    travis112096
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    #142460

    what about if alfonso cuaron gets kidnapped by actual astronauts who hated gravity during his directing speech

    ReplyCopy URL
    TVFan365
    Participant
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    Jul 12th, 2011
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    #142461

    THAT BARKHAD ABDI BIT WAS HILLARIOUS!!!!! LOL!!!!

    ReplyCopy URL
    Stardust
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    #142462

    Loved the supporting actor, best actress, and Sasha Stone bits.

     

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    Anonymous
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    Jan 1st, 1970
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    #142463

    “You’re forgiven now Gwyneth.” 
    LOL 

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    24Emmy
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    #142464

    Enjoy, and let me know if you want to see others-
    I think I can dig them up.

     

    2011 http://www.goldderby.com/forum/topics/view/1881

    2012http://www.goldderby.com/forum/topics/view/4360

    ReplyCopy URL
    Jason Travis
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    #142465

    Thanks 24Emmy! Glad they’re still here lol. 

    Follow Me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/jasonmovieguy
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    24Emmy
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    #142466

    You’re welcome. Did you have ones from the old site?

    ReplyCopy URL
    Jason Travis
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    #142467

    I will look to see- I think I can find ones from 2010 and 2009 as well. 

    Follow Me on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/jasonmovieguy
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