Hey, Neil Patrick Harris: Here are 18 jokes for your Oscars opening monologue

Thinking that Neil Patrick Harris might be in need of a few funny lines, I offer him these 18 jokes to use on the Oscars:

1.Good evening and welcome to the show biz event of the year. Celebrities. Parties. Paparazzi. Hollywood’s most coveted prize being given away. Did you all enjoy George Clooney’s wedding?

2. Of course, this is the 87th annual Academy Awards. Or as Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu calls it, “The Unexpected Virtue of Self-Gratification.”

3. I’m your host for the evening, Neil Patrick Harris. Or as John Travolta calls me, Ineila Menzel. You probably never thought that you would see Doogie Howser’s ass hosting the Oscars. Then again, until “Gone Girl,” you probably never thought that you would see Doogie Howser’s ass.

4. It was such a thrill being a part of that film and working with Best Actress nominee Rosamund Pike. Talk about a movie with plot twists. I was on top but got screwed by her. 

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5. Tonight we honor the best films of year …that were shot over the previous 12 years. Of course, I’m referring to “Boyhood.”  A lot of people don’t realize this, but it’s actually a prequel to the comedy “Grown Ups.” Now a big budget “Boyhood” prequel is in the works, and it’s already being touted as a potential Oscar contender. The working title is “Million Dollar Baby.”

6. “The Grand Budapest Hotel” is nominated for nine Academy Awards. What a cast. Ralph Fiennes, Adrien Brody, Jude Law, Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, the list goes on. Normally when you see that many stars acting weird in a hotel filled with Europeans, it’s at the Golden Globes.

7. “Birdman” also has nine nominations, including Michael Keaton for Best Actor. Fantastic performance. A major Hollywood star goes to New York, takes on a daring role in a Broadway play, and ends up wowing audiences and critics alike. But really folks, enough about me.

8. “Selma” is nominated for Best Picture. And Best Original Song. And I guess that’s all there is to say about that.

9. One film that you won’t be hearing about tonight is “The Interview.” Isn’t it ironic? North Korea tried to stop Hollywood from unleashing a bomb.

10. There’s Julianne Moore, up for Best Actress in “Still Alice.” So devastating in her portrayal of a woman fighting early onset Alzheimer’s disease. She can’t remember her family. She can’t remember her friends. And she can’t remember why she said “yes” to “Seventh Son.”

11. Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon is back with her second nomination, for “Wild.” She completely deglamorized for the role – putting on hiking boots, not washing her hair, and walking miles and miles through rugged terrain. It’s her most out-of-character performance to date. Not counting that Georgia police dashcam video.

12. And it just wouldn’t be the Academy Awards without Meryl Streep, celebrating her record 19th nomination. She was absolutely terrifying in “Into the Woods.” The hair. The makeup. The accent. Oh wait, I’m thinking of “August: Osage County.”

13. Benedict Cumberbatch is in the house. He played mathematician Alan Turing, who cracked an unbreakable Nazi code. He might win an Academy Award. Eddie Redmayne is in the house. He played physicist Stephen Hawking, who unraveled the mysteries of space and time. He might win an Academy Award. Now if someone could just explain the Academy’s voting system for choosing the Best Picture nominees, they would surely receive the Lifetime Achievement Award.

14. Steve Carell is a first time Oscar nominee for “Foxcatcher,” in the role of a reclusive, paranoid schizophrenic, wrestling-obsessed, billionaire murderer. Somehow it’s still less creepy than his role in “The Forty-Year-Old Virgin.”

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15. Also up for Best Actor is Bradley Cooper, in the smash “American Sniper.” Two years ago he was nominated for “Silver Linings Playbook.” Last year he was in the running for “American Hustle.” You know what they say, Bradley. “The third time’s the charm.” Just look at “The Hangover Part III.”

16. Matthew McConaughey is with us tonight. Last year he won the Oscar for “Dallas Buyers Club,” was Emmy-nominated for “True Detective,” and starred in the blockbuster “Interstellar”. He was more overexposed in 2014 than he was in “Magic Mike.”

17. I promised the Academy that I would keep the show on schedule. Attending the Oscars is kind of like entering a wormhole. Every hour of the show feels like seven years to the rest of Earth.

18. Good luck to all of the nominees. And a warning to the winners: don’t let your acceptance speeches go on and on. The orchestra has been told to cut you off, and J.K. Simmons is conducting. If you haven’t seen “Whiplash,” you’ll be feeling it tonight.

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