On the August 28 episode of ABC’s “Bachelor in Paradise,” it was just another day in paradise for this motley crew of rejects from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” As Wells the bartender let us know at the top of the hour, we were in for a terrifying new side of Jasmine. Indeed “Dr. Jekyll/Miss Jasmine,” as our bacchanalian pal likes to call her, was out for blood following the arrival of Christen, who’s apparently the only virgin in existence on this remote Mexican beach.
Yet it isn’t her purity that’s got Jasmine’s claws out: rather, Christen’s set her sights on Matt, that lovable guy in the penguin costume. Matt approaches Christen for a date, further infuriating Queen Jasmine, who decides to shame all virgins in addition to the one who’s after her man. Nobody wants a virgin piña colada for a wife when they want an extra shot, as she so eloquently puts it.
If you thought that was the end of it, you obviously haven’t been watching “Bachelor in Paradise.” Jasmine marches into the room in full-on reality TV diva mode to call Christen “slimy” and bring up something called scallop fingers. To explain: it seems that on her season of “The Bachelor,” Christen pulled out a to-go can of scallops in the limo and proceeded to eat them with her bare hands before rubbing the fish oil all over Alexis’ shoulder, all but ensuring nobody would dance with her. So yeah, yuck.
On their date, Christen and Matt make out in the ocean before Jasmine intervenes. Later, Christen hugs Amanda while holding some shrimp in her hands, all but ensuring her reputation as Aquagirl.
Speaking of Amanda, she gets taken aside by Robby, whose idea of a romantic gesture is to fill the hot tub with glow sticks. Amanda responds by trying to get them back to the group game night before Robby goes in for a kiss, which she swiftly rejects. Here’s hoping someone got the glow sticks out of the water before the inevitable rock concert.
Elsewhere, Derek and Taylor have their first big fight. When she tells him she’s worried he’ll run away from commitment, he responds with a polite and mature “f–k you.” I’m guessing their relationship doesn’t survive paradise.
Adam’s also in the middle of a love triangle with Raven and Sarah. He likes the way Raven challenges him, although he refuses to jump over some rocks at her behest. He lets Sarah know they have “a different kind of fireworks,” which means he wants to “friend zone” her.
Then there’s Diggy, who lets Lacey know he’s giving his rose to Dom, which she doesn’t take too kindly to. And Dean tells Kristina that he finds D. Lo interesting, and I’m starting to wonder what Kristina sees in any of these men.
Having failed with the glow sticks, Robby decides to try slippers instead, and does land a kiss, although he ruins the moment by saying it tastes like chardonnay. Yeesh.
Back to the Matt-Jasmine-Christen story: turns out Matt doesn’t want EITHER woman, and he decides it’s time to leave paradise for good. That leaves Jasmine and Christen to fight over Jack Stone, the guy everyone thought was a serial killer on last season of “The Bachelorette.”
We’ll have to wait till later to see who gets those precious roses, and find out what the deal is with new addition Daniel.