Jimmy Kimmel goes spelunking for jokes about Trump’s secret colonoscopy

Jimmy Kimmel opened Tuesday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live” with some jokes about Donald Trump’s colonoscopy that he didn’t get to tell when it happened because the former President allegedly kept it a secret. As a result of his subterfuge, Kimmel and his late-night counterparts were prevented from telling jokes about it when the procedure took place during Trump’s presidency. 

Former White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham recently published a book about her time in the Trump administration, “I’ll Take Your Questions Now,” that contains some of the most gossipy revelations about Trump yet. One, he apparently cuts his own hair with a giant pair of scissors. Two, after the Stormy Daniels allegations came out, Trump called Grisham to tell her Daniels’ description of his penis was inaccurate. Three, the White House allegedly had a guy whose job it was to play Trump’s favorite show tunes to calm the president down when he was having a temper tantrum.

But the funniest revelation, at least to Kimmel, is the apparent truth about what happened on that day a couple of years ago when Trump took a mysterious, undescribed trip to the hospital, and people thought he might have had a heart attack or a stroke. It turns out, however, that he went for a colonoscopy, which he got without anesthesia, for two reasons: he didn’t want to transfer power to Mike Pence while he was unconscious, and he didn’t want to be made fun of on late-night TV. 

“I have to say, it gives me a lot of satisfaction as a late-night talk-show host to know that he opted to stay awake while they augered his innards with a sewer snake specifically because he didn’t want us making fun of him,” Kimmel said. “I feel good. And I also feel cheated. Because when a President – especially this president – gets a colonoscopy, it is my duty – that’s right,  duty – To make jokes about it.”

So Kimmel delivered some “contractually and ethically obligated” Trump colonoscopy jokes. 

“The president went to Walter Reed for a colonoscopy today,” Kimmel opened. “It took a while because the doctor kept accidentally sticking the camera in his mouth.” Ba-dum-tss! 

“As soon as they switched the camera on, Trump turned around and said ‘Hey doc, how are the ratings?’” 

“The President’s doctor decided to schedule this procedure after the White House toilet killed itself.” 

“It was a good thing Trump had this done because they found two cancerous polyps” – a photo of Don Jr. and Eric Trump flashed across the screen – “were removed immediately.” 

“The doctors said the hardest thing about giving Trump a colonoscopy was getting the camera around Mike Pence’s nose.” 

And finally, “But Trump thought it went great. He got a perfect report. Afterward, the whole medical team kept saying, ‘Wow, what an unbelievable assh—!’”

The jokes were out of date, but it was cathartic. “He gave us a colonoscopy for like 4 years, it’s about time we give it back to him,” Kimmel said.

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