Stephen Colbert spoils Stephanie Grisham’s Trump tell-all so you don’t have to read it

Stephen Colbert doesn’t always want to talk about Donald Trump, whom Colbert called “Scrooge McSchmuck” on Tuesday night, but sometimes the news forces him to engage with the former president. On the latest episode of “The Late Show,” the news was about former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham’s gossipy new tell-all book. Grisham worked in the White House for almost all of Donald Trump’s presidency, only resigning after the Jan. 6 insurrection, and she infamously never gave one single press conference during her nine-month tenure as press secretary. She’s now written a book called “I’ll Take Your Questions Now” – or as Colbert calls it, “I Just Recently Grew a Spine.”  

Colbert said that he didn’t want his show to help Grisham sell any books, so he would spoil all the good parts so viewers didn’t have to buy “I’ll Take Your Money Now” (that’s another of Colbert’s alternate titles). 

“In the book, Grisham uses a lot of colorful language to describe the administration, calling it ‘a clown car on fire running at full speed into a warehouse full of fireworks,’” Colbert said. “Or as Fox News would put it, ‘a brave band of flaming harlequins rushing patriotically into the explosive jaws of danger.’”

“Just a reminder: She knew all about the fiery clown car and she still called shotgun for four years,” he added.

“Grisham goes on to write, ‘I can give you endless metaphors: living in a house that was always on fire, or in an insane asylum where you couldn’t tell the difference between the patients and the attendants, or on a roller coaster that never stopped.’” Colbert quoted, before dropping some corny Grishamisms of his own. “Being in his administration is like sliding blindfolded down a 50-foot razor blade into a tub of gin. It’s like walking through a minefield led by a baby trying to change his own diaper. Driving a manure truck over a cliff into a pit of other manure trucks. Deep-sea diving surrounded by sharks who won’t shut up about winning Wisconsin.”

One anecdote in the book is that someone forgot to pack Trump’s usual beauty products on a trip to Saudi Arabia in 2017, so he wore Grisham’s makeup during a speech. “Maybe he’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline, probably it’s Tang,” Colbert joked. 

Grisham also revealed that Trump refused to eat vegetarian food because, ‘it messes with your body chemistry, your brain. And if I lose even one brain cell, we’re f—ed.” Colbert’s joke about that statement wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the statement itself, so we’ll skip that. 

Grisham also told the story of the 2017 White House Easter Egg Roll, where Don Jr. and Eric Trump cut little kids in line so they could be first to get a picture with their dad, and Melania Trump made the Easter bunny strip down and change because she thought what he was wearing was “tacky.” 

“Now, focusing on clothes may sound petty, but Melania was just keeping with the spirit of Easter,” Colbert said. “Remember John 11:25: ‘Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life, and, girl, what is this ensemble? We gotta get you to Bergdorf’s.’”

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