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“It’s so good to see everyone here! It’s truly an honor to be among all of these spectacular nominees as long as they stay at least 6 feet away from me. My face is really fragile and we all know that Tom Cruise or Michelle Yeoh could easily beat me up. One bad joke and we’re going to have to extend the in memoriam segment. As we all know, last year, there was an unfortunate incident that overshadowed what should have been a celebration of movies and the artists both on and off camera who make them. Of course, I am referring to Megan Thee Stallion covering the Bruno song. Don’t worry. We’ve upped our security just in case. Just ask Colonel Tom Parker over there. So just to make sure we stay on track, every time someone mentions the slap, Brendan Gleeson will have to cut off one of his fingers.”
“At 91 years old, John Williams has become the oldest competitive nominee in Oscars history for his work in The Fabelmans, a wonderful semi-autobiographical family drama about realizing that no woman can resist the charms of Seth Rogen. This is his 53rd nomination. 53. John Williams. Not Seth Rogen just to be clear. He didn’t need to watch All Quiet on the Western Front. He lived through it. We also have a record number of Asian acting nominees. All of whom make up one quarter of this year’s 16 first-time acting nominees. Congrats to everyone on your first nominations. I’ll never forget the rush of my first nomination mostly because I’ve never been nominated at all. Nothing to remember. Nothing to forget.”
“One of this year’s nominees is Tár. Another one of this year’s nominees is Avatar: The Way of Water. Tár. Avatar. Tár. Avatar. Completely different movies. Trust me. I spent almost three hours waiting for Cate Blanchett to turn into a blue cat. On the other hand, those CGI space whales were masterful orchestral conductors. Speaking of whales, Brendan Fraser has been nominated for best actor tonight for his performance in The Whale, where he wore up to 300 lbs of fat-suit prosthetics. So it’s like a whitewashed version of an Eddie Murphy movie.”
“Meanwhile, let’s give it up for Everything Everywhere All At Once. 11 nominations, the most out of any movie here. If these guys win anything though, you do not want to know where they’re going to put the trophies. You hear that, Daniels? No verse-jumping. This film has not only become the highest grossing indie film post-2020, it is also the highest grossing film its studio has ever made, or as the Top Gun Maverick people like to call it, a slow Tuesday. Top Gun & Avatar have made this the first year in which two sequels have been nominated, partially because ABC really wanted a ratings boost. There being two sequels though means that there’s still hope for Eddie Murphy. We just have to green light Nutty Professor 3! Make it happen Hollywood.”
“Now let’s keep things professional and get this show on the road before the higher-ups cancel the broadcast as a tax write-off. Welcome to the 95th Annual Academy Awards!”
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